I've had a lot of up and down lately. Mostly down. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. No sense focusing on the negative.
I've been struggling with D. Or, perhaps more accurately, we've been struggling with each other. Drifting away. Withdrawing into our own thoughts and fears. It's really tough to come back from that.
We haven't had time for each other.
Last night was a step in the right direction. There's finally a hole in the wall.
Yesterday I felt so nasty, that I stayed home. Played with the boy. Tried to sew, but got angry and had to stop. Took a bath. Fought with a friend. Did some dishes. Glared at the washing machine for making the laundry so drippy. Baked.
In the end, we stayed up later than we should have. Kissing, talking, crying, coming back together. It's not fixed, by any stretch. But maybe we can make some more progress tonight.
He's sort of my sanity. It's pretty tough getting by without touching base there fairly often.
Part of our weekend "away" was a simple trip to the City. We went to the Hawthorne district. My favorite part of the City, and apparently one of D's favorites as well. It has a wonderful feel to it. Like home.
We wandered into several shops. Browsing, mostly. At the first, there was a large display case full of crystals and mineral stones. I used to have to focus intently to 'feel' a stone's energy. Now... Just walking into such a place feels light and heady. One particular stone called out to me.
Later, at a bead shop, wandering the trays of offerings large and small, my eye caught again. Little wonder it was the same stone. Lighter, smaller, but the same.
Labradorite is said to provide quick relief from anxiety, hopelessness and depression, replacing them with enthusiasm, self-confidence and inspiration. It is said to dispell negativity and to bring clear understanding by enhancing clarity of thought and improving one's ability to cooperate with others in harmony. Labradorite is also said to give perseverance, strength and enhanced intuition when one is experiencing times of conflict and change.
If you haven't seen it, you simply must. It's a grey-ish stone with a marble-like texture. The grey can range from misty to midnight. Not much to look at, at first glance. But when the light hits it... Blues, and greens, and little flecks of sparkle shine out at you from beneath the surface.
It reminds me of a thunder storm. (And I hope we all remember how much I adore those.)
So now, of course, I carry a storm in my pocket. It calms me. Energizes me. Clears me. Whatever word you choose, it's a good feeling. Almost as good as the promise of dark clouds and the smell of rain.
I am sorry for the loss of K in my life. I worry for him. I wonder. I hope, for his future. He is such a beautiful, beautiful man, and I wish for his life to reflect and enhance that beauty. He deserves it. I am sad that I could not be a part of it. I started feeling that I was doing more to frustrate and hold him back than I was to support growth. I won't live with myself that way. Growth is important.
I am bothered by the continued presence of the demon in my world. Not that he interacts with me personally. But he interacts with folk I interact with, and I have run into him once or twice socially. This is notably uncomfortable for both of us. As time passes, I am less concerned with it. Still, it's an unpleasant sore spot.
I am alternately -- and often coincidingly -- worried and pleased by our relationships with Lass and Jae. They are good for us. I hope we are good for them. Both the individual interactions and as a whole.
The sugar doll (aka Bratling) has faded herself back into my life. There are... Oh, too many things going on there to even begin. I adore her. She adores me. Thats enough to know for this post, I think.
I have concerns, as mentioned yesterday, but also devotion.
I am grateful every day for the strong foundation that I have both in myself and in my primary relationship. We support each other. We care for each other. I was told the other day that we present an image of some sort of perfection and I was in awe. Over the weekend, I realized something amazing....
There is a blog that I have been reading for a while now. It's sort of been my... My dream. I want a life like that. A love like that. D/s, and family, and unshakable dedication to each other. I realized that we have that.
I hesitate to refer to D as 'Daddy' here, because of the association with K. Though he was Daddy long before K was a part of my life. He is my husband, my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my sparring partner, my sadist, and everything I ever dreamed or wished that he would let himself be. I look at how perfectly we are matched, and I am amazed that this is only the beginning. We are only just starting.
Sometimes... It hurts. And it's scary. And it's tough.
It's one of the toughest things around.
Love is feeling someone bristle at your concern.
Love is holding someone while they fight you, because they need to be held even if they don't want it. And you just need to hold them.
It's spilling your guts, knowing without question that what you're saying will hurt. It's knowing that, though there is pain, no one is leaving. It's staying, even while you cry.
Sometimes love means you fight. Not because you hate each other, or want to do harm, but because you are open to every part of each other. Even the parts that fit like two left shoes. Or maybe you're just mad at the world that day.
Sometimes you go to bed angry. Sometimes you stay up all night, because as soon as you manage to make up, and make amends, something else goes wrong.
Just remember that it's love. Remember that it hurts, and it's worth every second. Remember that happiness isn't smiling all the time.
Taking care of yourself. First.
Because if you expect someone else to do it for you, you're not going to get it. Because its fun to be suprised when you don't have to do it. Because you aren't much good to anyone when you're falling apart at the seams. Because you want to be the best, brightest star shining in their eye. (Or at least one of the few brightest.)
Trusting each other. Reaching out first. Taking that agonizing step out of the safety of your own mind, and into a world of together.
Learning to speak each other's language, instead of expressing your heart your own way. Understanding when they are expressing their heart, even when it's not the way you want to hear it.
There is so much more to love than romance, or falling. So much that you can't understand until you're there.