I'm not a licensed therapist. But there is a boy at work (Alright, I think he's 48, but still) that I counsel. I really enjoy it. It brightens my day just to have him come and talk to me, and unload a little. It happens around once a week. Maybe 15 or 20 minutes. Short sessions, but they seem to help him.
They help me, too. I'm refining my method.
I'm establishing that I want to do this. That I can do it. That it won't mess up my life and sanity to take on someone else. That I can let it go, at the end of the day, and live.
I'm verifying that -- years from now -- it will be worth the money for schooling.
You: I think I'm gonna do this, so that you can have alone time.
Me: I don't really need alone time. I'd rather you stay with me.
You: Well, I already told (other person) that I was going to.
I know you don't like to cancel things. So why say 'I think' when what you really mean is 'I am?' Why present it as an idea for discussion, when it doesn't matter what I say about it? And, if it does matter, why would you tell me after it can't be changed?
I accept fully that you don't need my permission to do things. I know and like which of us has control. What sucks is when it seems like you're talking to me, when really you're just telling me. What hurts is when it feels like you're letting me stand, and then the rug is pulled from under me. I don't mind kneeling. Being thrown to the ground unexpectedly isn't cool.
I have been wanting to write a post about Jae, specifically, and how I feel.
The problem is, every time I sit down to do it, words escape me. Or, they come, but I'm not sure if I should really let them out of my head.
I love him. There is that. Those words are too simple, though. The world is complicated.
All the complicated bits... Well, they have the potential to hurt. And I don't want that. So I sit quiet and keep it in my head, and in my heart.
There is a lot I would do for that man. Worlds. I would not sacrifice him. Nor allow myself to be pulled away. Not for anything less than troubles with Hubby, and then... Well, Hubby and I both acknowledge that Jae is important to me. My life, my health, my joy -- he is twined into them just as firmly as Hubby himself. Hubby is the only one with the right to ask that it end, and I have more than faith to assure me that he would not do so.
(No matter what your fear, Jae, he and I are in agreement on that.)
He calms me. I will admit, that is only if I allow it, but I often do. That look on his face reflects my own, and seeing it there is like sipping warm tea. (Perhaps I've mentioned that my favorite tea is called Tension Tamer?)
He stirs me. Something in him calls up the temptress and the tease in me, more consistantly than anyone I have known. The situation has required restraint, but the relationship makes that requirement nearly as much fun as the lack looks to be. In other words, at other times, I would say that he brings Aphrodite to the surface. And she loves -- I love -- to bathe in the sea of him.
I worry about him. Worry with him. Worry for him. I can't help that. I care too much. It's too much a part of my nature. I want to help if I can, and be there to support him even when I can't help. I want to know him. The good and the bad. I want to feel him.
It's complicated. Even this isn't everything, and it's muddled and unclear, even to me. I'm certain of two things: I love Jae. And I'm not going anywhere.
How do I even begin to explain how much that means to me? Or the difference between what we will have, and a 'play' collar.
I will start by saying that it is the same one I asked for long ago. Same man. Same piece of metal. Wide, silver, a pretty pattern, and screws at the back that make taking it off an emergency-only situation. I'm glad that we waited, but I knew then what I wanted, and I still want it. I hope that we can get the one I want, but even if we end up with something else, it will be perfect. Because of what it means.
The ring on my finger is a symbol of our love for each other. Our commitment to a life together. Our promise to always respect each other.
The ring on my neck will be a symbol of another sort, and yet, it is along the same vein. A visual and tactile reminder that I am his. For now, and for ever. It represents my trust in him. His responsibility for me. For us. My willingness to allow whatever he wishes. His own willingness to nurture that in me, and not abuse or misuse it. Our collar is a symbol that we are everything. He is everything to me, has everything of me, and gives to me in like.
We are not perfect. We make mistakes with each other. We stumble, and fall apart, each in our own ways. However, we are dedicated to working together. Supporting as best we can when one is unable. Working to understand. Most importantly, we are determined to stay together, even when it hurts, because we know that together it will get better.
For different people, a collar may mean different things.
We -- D and I -- distinguish between a permanent collar, and a play collar. A play collar is a sturdy piece that can be used for fun things, like leading one around, or securing to something solid. It is just for fun, and doesn't mean much beyond the fact that the one wearing it is the one submitting or 'bottoming' at that time. It means that time belongs to him. We have one, and I adore it. (It's purple! Lined with red! How could I do any less that love it?) A permanent collar, as the one I will be recieving, is more. It's a commitment, and a responsibility. For both of us.
I'm so proud to be the one he has chosen to bless in this way. So thrilled to be gifted with something so important, and so beautiful.