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Wednesday, May 05, 2010

I haven't really had a lot to say, lately. I've been doing a lot of learning.

I've been dating a boy for over a month now, and he is becoming part of the family here. For the purposes of this blog, we'll call him 'Monkey.' Monkey is submissive, and after my last experience, I had a lot of concerns about whether I would be able to handle that or not. (It's very difficult for me to look at how that relationship failed and not view it as my failure. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't in control enough. I wasn't patient enough. I didn't understand her needs enough. You get the picture.)

I needn't have worried. Monkey is exactly what I work best with in a submissive partner. Ironically, he has the qualities that I was looking for in a female lover. He's playful, shy, silly, child-like, willing to work, vulnerable, sweet, emotionally and spiritually open, and a list of other things that I never thought I'd find in a man. Whatever whim of fate caused me to contact him in the first place, I am grateful for it.

I'm learning from Monkey. He shows me what it feels like to be trusted completely. I've learned that the slightest changes in body language can have a big impact. Interacting with him has taught me how to be a better submissive for Hubby. I can see more completely the amount of patience and self control that Hubby must have with me.

I'm learning from Hubby, too. He shows me how to take everyone's needs into account and make the best decision possible. His advice and opinions have made all the difference in my world. I quite honestly could not do this without him. He has experience that I don't have, and Monkey is similar enough to me that the experience is relevant more often than not.

Communication has flourished. Open, honest conversation is getting easier. I'm learning more about what triggers my defensive reactions. To some extent, those triggers are being avoided. More importantly, though, I'm recognizing what's going on earlier and pulling myself out of that rut. I'm not blocking my emotions, as I would have once. I am acknowledging how I feel without letting it rule my behavior.

I don't know for sure what the future holds. I do know that my dreams are closer than ever. And these lessons are the foundation for making a reality I couldn't have imagined.

Posted at 02:34 pm by Anjelle

Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Being Little

It's been a long time since I've had anyone to play on the swings with. Oh, sure, I have a kid... but he just wants me to push him. (Higher, Mommy!) But I love swinging. The wind in my hair, the rocking motion, the height and freedom like flying.

Yesterday, I played on the swings with someone special to me. We went down the slide. When we came home, there was coloring and cartoons. I don't know how to explain how meaningful that is. How amazing. I loved him already, but if I hadn't, that would have done it. My heart is full.

This boy... Being with him makes me more me. My strength is stronger. My submission is more complete. And being little is... easier. More fun.

I have a best friend, and he's my same age.


Posted at 09:33 am by Anjelle

Wednesday, April 07, 2010
What Keeps Me Up At Night

Sleep is kind of important. I'm usually pretty good at it, too. But lately I've had a few nights where I just can't get my brain to stop running. I've tried meditation, but after about ten minutes, the thoughts come flooding back. I've tried writing, but what I really need is someone to talk to.

Hubby has been sick and grumpy, and not very receptive to chatting. My best friend can listen, but there are a lot of things going on that she doesn't really understand. It feels awkward to have my support system so tentative. It's not easy to earn my trust -- real trust that's more than just my laid-back and open style.

There's a new boy, and he is absolutely open to hearing my thoughts. I just don't know that I'm ready to be vulnerable like that. Besides which, half of the things I need advice on are things he is really not in a position to offer. And I do need advice. My fears are things which would not help him to know. They're just fears, not based in anything, so I cannot bring myself to worry him with them.

The thing is... I'm scared. I want so much, and I'm afraid of missing it. I don't want to lose what I have. I really care about this boy. What if I can't handle it? What if he can't, or hubby can't? It hurt so much to lose the Bratling... Even though I know it was in the best interest of everyone involved to let her go, it still hurts. I don't know that I could make that decision again. I don't know that I could let go of this boy, even if he needed it.

I want my family. I want my home, with room for everyone. I want to share my whole life with the people I have chosen.

I'm desperately afraid to lose them.

Posted at 09:36 am by Anjelle

Friday, March 26, 2010

I realized today that there's not really much here about what it is, exactly, that I'm ultimately after in relationships. A few things, here and there, with regard to individuals. The broader view is a bit vague.

I wrote a while back about a friend saying my expectations are unrealistic. I disagree. All I expect is that my lovers can get along. A friendship between folks with common interests is not at all too much to expect. In fact, these relationships would not work at all if there were not an underlying friendship and compatibility among all parties.

I'm looking for a family. Not a family with someone else on the side -- a unified family. I don't expect it to be easy. Every relationship comes with problems. More relationships, more problems. The benefits are greater than the difficulties. Just as a parent does not love one child less than the other, I do not seek to place one relationship second to another. Every member of the family is sacred. Losing anyone hurts. I will work equally to meet all needs. I expect the same care and commitment from each partner, and I give back what I receive. And then some.

Hubby and I are in a pretty strong position to take on new relationships. We know our jealousy triggers. (Most of them. Growth and change means new discoveries.) This makes it easy for us to avoid those triggers. Contrary to popular belief, jealousy is usually not about other people. It's about something missing. I get jealous when I am not getting my needs met, and this has little to do with what Hubby may be doing with anyone else. I've been jealous of his work. I've been jealous of a dog. It's not about work, or the dog, but about what was missing in our relationship during those times.

I don't expect relationships where jealousy never rears it's head. I don't believe such relationships exist. I do expect that my partner(s) will not let it rule their decisions. When it comes up, we'll talk about it. As a team, we'll figure out what the problem is and how to fix it so that everyone is satisfied.

I have a lot of love to give. And, as I've recently become aware, I have needs that Hubby can't fill. Needs that neither of us would want him to even try to fill. I have a lot to offer to the right person. There's a big future ahead of us. A lifetime. That's what I'm looking for.

It's not for everyone. It works for us, though.

Posted at 02:27 pm by Anjelle

Monday, March 15, 2010
I Need a Tutor

I've been wondering lately if I'm really a good friend. I see the constant interaction on Facebook, and I don't understand why I'm not a part of that. Why don't I spend more time writing to the people I care about? Why is it so hard for me to call, or to make arrangements to get together?

Then I remember -- I don't know what to say. People write about their pain and suffering. I want to give hugs, and listen. How do I translate what I feel into a blurb of text? How do I let them feel heard, and understood, without trivializing what they are going through? Saying that I'd hug you is entirely different than doing it, and so I say nothing. When things for me are good, I don't want to brag. When they're bad, I don't want to complain. Small talk feels awkward and vaguely insulting. What does that leave me?

And I don't know what to do. I can't afford to go out for coffee with a different person every week. I don't know how to make myself heard in a group. Movies or other non-interaction feels like cheating.

I never learned this stuff. All of my friends came from places I went every day -- school first, then work. As the years have passed, what social skills I may have had withered. My mum did her best by me, but she never really had a social life until well after I moved out. Her friends were her family -- brothers and sisters and spouses -- and I am an only child.

I don't know what's too much. What's not enough? All I know is that when I love you, I love you forever. I know that I will do whatever is in my power to help a friend in need.

But who is going to call me for help, when I'm barely around the rest of the time?

Posted at 01:02 pm by Anjelle

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