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where am i?
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Things I Write About
State of Mind
Something Silly
Blog Notes
Creative Writing
Arts & Crafts
Monkey Love
Slowing Down

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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Slight Change

New artwork. Slight change of color, but not huge. I was going to go dark for the background, but I find that I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe later.

Incidentally, I'm not sure if I mentioned what the artwork actually is, besides my favorite artist. I believe I mentioned that the artist is working on a Tarot deck, slated to be finished sometime next year. The pieces I have been using are from that collection of works.

The gypsy-lady of the last work was titled 'The World.' The card represents completion, fruition, contentment, success, and other such ideas of bounty.

The current piece is the Ten of Swords. It leans more toward drama and sacrifice. (In my physical deck, the card is represented by a woman's body being pierced by all ten of said swords.) It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't feel good.


Edit to add: I totally just realized the color scheme... It's deep red and purple. Which is the combination I'm currently in love with and about to put on my bed. I chose this image, actually, by pulling a card from my physical deck and finding it's partner in Stephanie's Shadowscapes Tarot. Funny how things work out like that.

After changing the images, I pulled a card to see what my deck would say best represented me. Not the me of now -- when I'm upset -- but the real me. Me when I'm just me. I pulled the World card.

Really. I love my deck.

Monday, October 06, 2008
Further News of the C-Word

Mum is very upset. Dad has pretty much given up, and acts like he would rather just die now and have done with it.

The doctors have given him about five years. They're not sure if they will even be able to do chemo because of problems with Dad's heart and lungs.

I don't really know what to say any more. I don't know what to feel. I certainly have no idea what to do or how to deal with this, much less how to help my mother. And she so desperately needs help.

It's not my responsibility, and I know that. It doesn't make me feel less helpless.

Friday, October 03, 2008
Pieces of My Forever

I feel strange today. Like none of this is real. Today isn't real. The world I'm seeing isn't real. I am not real. I know this feeling. I remember it. It isn't a bad thing, it's just... Strange.

I want to wander off into the trees and disconnect. It's a strong time to do personal work like that. To explore the metaphors in my mind and soul. To step away from the 'reality' around me, and find something really real.

Instead, here I am at work.

And I want to carve one man into my flesh. Not in pain, but in love. And I want to show another the feel of energy flowing and building in your hands. Not the physical, but the real. And I want to gather all of those dear to me tonight and laugh. I want to be surrounded.

I am more than myself. I am part of everything.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

I've taken the first step out of my misery, and it is this: I am not done with him.

The things I said, the ideas I expressed, none of it was with the intention of being done with him. Somehow I forgot that in the aftermath.

It was pointed out to me last night, and while I acknowledged it as a thought I already new, it was also fresh. Fresh like the morning sun, after spending a too-long night deep in a cavern. Fresh like skin after showering away the grime of a tough day.

He may be done with me. That is the hard part yet to come. But for now... For now I have taken the first step, and that is enough.


Today is a fresh, new day, and I will make the most of it.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Broken Heart (His)

Can't think. Here's more lyrics. Robert Downey Jr this time.

In love with a broken heart
You fell in love with a broken heart

Love in these modern times
There'll be someone new every night
With some other love yarn
To wrap my harms around
No one else can understand
(Hold me) I can't hear you
(Trust me) not about you

In love with a broken heart
Think I leave today, I cover it all this way
You fell in love with a broken heart
Every earthly breath, a lifeless testimony
In love with a broken heart
(Don't you know)

Love in these modern times
I'll become what your first class said
I'm no light weight, I'll find time to throw us down
You'd feel my medicine's side effect
Fink I'll grab some magazine
(I know you) never seen me
(promised you) you believed me?

In love with a broken heart
-think I leave today, I cover it all this way-
You fell in love with a broken heart
-every earthly breath, a lifeless testimony-
You fell in love with a broken heart
-another lifeless testimony
(and it shows)

Oh please machine, let's keep this terminal clean
I'll see your face in every cloud
Down a Dewar's laugh out loud
Fly girl shouts to keep it down
Paddy's wagon draws a crowd

(Save your days) I don't save days
(Any way) I think...leave days

God grant me the strength to accept the things I can change
And change them
(just for the last time)

(Show me) I cant miss you

In love with a broken heart
Face in every cloud, makes me laugh out loud-
You fell in love with a broken heart
Shouts to keep it down, wagon draws a crowd-
In love with a broken heart
(Don't you know)
Lifeless testimony

You fell in love with a broken heart
(And it shows)
Lifeless testimony

In love with a broken heart
In these modern times, what your first class said,
Time to throw us down, medicine's side effects

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