who am i?


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where am i?
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Things I Write About
State of Mind
Something Silly
Blog Notes
Creative Writing
Arts & Crafts
Monkey Love
Slowing Down

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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Don't Laugh

This could go so many directions. There are so many possibilities floating through the void. I have just to reach out and touch one to make it real.

But, oh, the one I want. I want to feel those arms around my sobbing heart. I want to feel that kiss on every aching part. I want those eyes to see me, and I want to hear my name. I want every bit of him. I suppose that it's in vain.

I'm full of 'If only,' and hanging on to 'Maybe when.' No one else has ever filled me like the one that won't take me in.

Still, I hope. Always, I dream.

Waking every morning with a sad smile on my face
always knowing you are the one I can't replace.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Slight Change

New artwork. Slight change of color, but not huge. I was going to go dark for the background, but I find that I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe later.

Incidentally, I'm not sure if I mentioned what the artwork actually is, besides my favorite artist. I believe I mentioned that the artist is working on a Tarot deck, slated to be finished sometime next year. The pieces I have been using are from that collection of works.

The gypsy-lady of the last work was titled 'The World.' The card represents completion, fruition, contentment, success, and other such ideas of bounty.

The current piece is the Ten of Swords. It leans more toward drama and sacrifice. (In my physical deck, the card is represented by a woman's body being pierced by all ten of said swords.) It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't feel good.


Edit to add: I totally just realized the color scheme... It's deep red and purple. Which is the combination I'm currently in love with and about to put on my bed. I chose this image, actually, by pulling a card from my physical deck and finding it's partner in Stephanie's Shadowscapes Tarot. Funny how things work out like that.

After changing the images, I pulled a card to see what my deck would say best represented me. Not the me of now -- when I'm upset -- but the real me. Me when I'm just me. I pulled the World card.

Really. I love my deck.

Monday, October 06, 2008
Further News of the C-Word

Mum is very upset. Dad has pretty much given up, and acts like he would rather just die now and have done with it.

The doctors have given him about five years. They're not sure if they will even be able to do chemo because of problems with Dad's heart and lungs.

I don't really know what to say any more. I don't know what to feel. I certainly have no idea what to do or how to deal with this, much less how to help my mother. And she so desperately needs help.

It's not my responsibility, and I know that. It doesn't make me feel less helpless.

Friday, October 03, 2008
Pieces of My Forever

I feel strange today. Like none of this is real. Today isn't real. The world I'm seeing isn't real. I am not real. I know this feeling. I remember it. It isn't a bad thing, it's just... Strange.

I want to wander off into the trees and disconnect. It's a strong time to do personal work like that. To explore the metaphors in my mind and soul. To step away from the 'reality' around me, and find something really real.

Instead, here I am at work.

And I want to carve one man into my flesh. Not in pain, but in love. And I want to show another the feel of energy flowing and building in your hands. Not the physical, but the real. And I want to gather all of those dear to me tonight and laugh. I want to be surrounded.

I am more than myself. I am part of everything.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

I've taken the first step out of my misery, and it is this: I am not done with him.

The things I said, the ideas I expressed, none of it was with the intention of being done with him. Somehow I forgot that in the aftermath.

It was pointed out to me last night, and while I acknowledged it as a thought I already new, it was also fresh. Fresh like the morning sun, after spending a too-long night deep in a cavern. Fresh like skin after showering away the grime of a tough day.

He may be done with me. That is the hard part yet to come. But for now... For now I have taken the first step, and that is enough.


Today is a fresh, new day, and I will make the most of it.

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