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Things I Write About
State of Mind
Something Silly
Blog Notes
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Arts & Crafts
Monkey Love
Slowing Down

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Artwork Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just a few weeks alone, and I've already had several offers to take his place. None of which have come from my ex-husband, which is what everyone seems to expect now that we're hanging out together. (It would be akward to have to turn him down, so I'm glad he's not offering.)

Younger offers. More traditionally (or commercially) handsome offers. Offers with more financial freedom, or more freedom in other ways.

There hasn't even been a moment where I thought 'Hm. Maybe...' All have been turned down flat. Including the one that asked several times if I was absolutely sure I wasn't interested in a new Daddy.

I finally know what I want.

I don't just think it. I'm not just taking what's offered, or what's convenient. I want him. Not just a Daddy, and not just a fuck-partner, and not just someone to be romantic with. I want Him. I want to be a part of his life.

I'm pretty calm about it. And I'm not settling.

I am, however, very scared.


There are two sides. Well, probably  more than two. There is the part of me that is in pieces, crying in the dirt of some hollow place, longing for the man that won't come. The other side says "If he's the right one, then it will work out. If he's not, you still have a great job, a beautiful son, excellent friends, and a good life." That side is dating her ex-husband, doing family things, and the co-feature of a party on Friday night. That side still wants a partner -- the love that will still stand by her side when one or both require support to stand at all. And she's willing to wait it out until such a man shows up.

Most days, I'm living my life, and enjoying it. Most days, I wear my locket. Most days, I carry around the healing doll that I made for K. Most days, I think of him, and I miss him, and I smile. Other days it's all I can do to focus on my work, because if I see anything that reminds me of him, my cheeks get wet.

I want him back. I want to be with him. I belong to him. It's just that I want him healthy, and I don't think I'm helping any more.

Monday, October 13, 2008
Lost & Found

Lost. Found. Lost again. Foundering.

There are pieces of me scattered all over the place.

An arm here. A leg there.

This is costing me everything.

I hope it's worth it.
I hope you live.

Until you do, I'm left disconnected. Like the Scarecrow with his stuffing thrown all about. Not quite empty. Not dead. But not right.

Nothing is right without you.

Come and claim me.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Don't Laugh

This could go so many directions. There are so many possibilities floating through the void. I have just to reach out and touch one to make it real.

But, oh, the one I want. I want to feel those arms around my sobbing heart. I want to feel that kiss on every aching part. I want those eyes to see me, and I want to hear my name. I want every bit of him. I suppose that it's in vain.

I'm full of 'If only,' and hanging on to 'Maybe when.' No one else has ever filled me like the one that won't take me in.

Still, I hope. Always, I dream.

Waking every morning with a sad smile on my face
always knowing you are the one I can't replace.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Slight Change

New artwork. Slight change of color, but not huge. I was going to go dark for the background, but I find that I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe later.

Incidentally, I'm not sure if I mentioned what the artwork actually is, besides my favorite artist. I believe I mentioned that the artist is working on a Tarot deck, slated to be finished sometime next year. The pieces I have been using are from that collection of works.

The gypsy-lady of the last work was titled 'The World.' The card represents completion, fruition, contentment, success, and other such ideas of bounty.

The current piece is the Ten of Swords. It leans more toward drama and sacrifice. (In my physical deck, the card is represented by a woman's body being pierced by all ten of said swords.) It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't feel good.


Edit to add: I totally just realized the color scheme... It's deep red and purple. Which is the combination I'm currently in love with and about to put on my bed. I chose this image, actually, by pulling a card from my physical deck and finding it's partner in Stephanie's Shadowscapes Tarot. Funny how things work out like that.

After changing the images, I pulled a card to see what my deck would say best represented me. Not the me of now -- when I'm upset -- but the real me. Me when I'm just me. I pulled the World card.

Really. I love my deck.

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