I'm nervous about just talking -- no, less than that, just IMing with the man that I've been having steamy sex with for months. And it's not even that I'm planning on having some deep, soul-baring conversation. I'm just looking forward to talking to him and scared that it will be akward.
"The law of gravity would crumble under your scrutiny, if your heart were involved." Said years ago by a man who knew. Thanks again, M, though you meant it as an arguement at the time. I'm sure I've quoted it before. I probably will again. It means a lot to me.
When it comes to my heart, I can be... Oh, shall we say, a bit on the ferocious side. I'm scared as hell, but that doesn't stop me from going after what I want.
I told you that I want you. I told you that you couldn't get rid of me easily.
In case you were wondering... That's true. And I'm happy enough to prove it.
Just a few weeks alone, and I've already had several offers to take his place. None of which have come from my ex-husband, which is what everyone seems to expect now that we're hanging out together. (It would be akward to have to turn him down, so I'm glad he's not offering.)
Younger offers. More traditionally (or commercially) handsome offers. Offers with more financial freedom, or more freedom in other ways.
There hasn't even been a moment where I thought 'Hm. Maybe...' All have been turned down flat. Including the one that asked several times if I was absolutely sure I wasn't interested in a new Daddy.
I finally know what I want.
I don't just think it. I'm not just taking what's offered, or what's convenient. I want him. Not just a Daddy, and not just a fuck-partner, and not just someone to be romantic with. I want Him. I want to be a part of his life.
There are two sides. Well, probably more than two. There is the part of me that is in pieces, crying in the dirt of some hollow place, longing for the man that won't come. The other side says "If he's the right one, then it will work out. If he's not, you still have a great job, a beautiful son, excellent friends, and a good life." That side is dating her ex-husband, doing family things, and the co-feature of a party on Friday night. That side still wants a partner -- the love that will still stand by her side when one or both require support to stand at all. And she's willing to wait it out until such a man shows up.
Most days, I'm living my life, and enjoying it. Most days, I wear my locket. Most days, I carry around the healing doll that I made for K. Most days, I think of him, and I miss him, and I smile. Other days it's all I can do to focus on my work, because if I see anything that reminds me of him, my cheeks get wet.
I want him back. I want to be with him. I belong to him. It's just that I want him healthy, and I don't think I'm helping any more.