I experience sensations that, while they do align with parts of my physical body, they are not physical, exactly. And, while they may coincide with emotion, they are not that either.
For instance, in the area of my heart. I have both a feeling of tension and of irregularity -- as if something that is meant to be smooth has been bunched up and knotted, with me inside. This feeling, while being in the area of my heart, does not feel as if it is within my body. No worries, folks, my heart is beating along just fine. (I've even recently had my blood pressure checked, so I can back that statement up.)
The thing is, any words that I put to this experience are untrue. There aren't words for this. There are no words for so many of the important things.
It's why I value the connection with my loved ones. I can't always say what I'm feeling, so it's nice to just let you feel it along with me.
So, it's that wonderful time when I must renew my drivers license. This will be the first time I've had to do so. (I'm so friggin young!!) Naturally, I wander my way over to the local DMV's website, to figure out what I need to do, bring, etc. The facts of it boggle my poor little mind.
Even if you've had your driver license or ID card for years, or even decades, you must bring documents that meet new state requirements each time you renew or replace your card.
As of July 1, 2008, all applicants for Oregon driver licenses, instruction permits and ID cards will be required to show DMV documents that provide:
Proof of U.S. citizenship or lawful presence in the country – such as a government-issued birth certificate or U.S. passport, or foreign passport with U.S. immigration documents.
Proof of Social Security number – such as a Social Security card, employment document or tax document.
Proof that you are not entitled to a Social Security number, if you do not have one and are not eligible for one – such as immigration documents that do not include permission to work in the United States.
Proof of full legal name – such as birth certificate, or a combination of documents that create a link proving current full legal name, such as a birth certificate and government-issued marriage certificate.
Are you kidding me?! I didn't even need my birth certificate to get a new Social Security card. (That actually sort of scares me, but that's another post entirely.) I don't know if my mother has that handy somewhere. Or maybe it's with my (ex)husband's documents.
Or maybe it's nowhere at all, and I'll simply have to order a new copy. Which will bring on a whole new set of annoyances, I'm sure. I know where my SS card is. I'm pretty sure I know where my marriage certificate is, since I had to have that for my SS card. Still... That's a lot of documentation just to renew a piece of ID that I already have.
I do remember hearing when this little bit of legislation went through. And I remember being annoyed at the time. But it completely slipped my mind until today. Now I'm extra annoyed.
Hopefully I can get all that crap together sometime before my license expires. But I'm not expecting to. That birth certificate is one elusive little bastard!
With people who don't matter, I'm the most confident woman I know. "This is me. Here it is. Deal with it, or go away, that's up to you."
With my inner circle, I'm scared and insecure. "Am I good enough? Is it really me, or is it just convenient for you?"
I've finally learned not to start hiding. If they stuck around long enough to make it into the inner circle, the hiding is what's going to push them away, not the honesty. I know it's silly for a grown woman to need constant reassurance from the people who clearly already love her. But then, when have I ever claimed to be a grown woman?
I'm just a girl. And a girl needs lots of care. The people who make it past that inner wall -- past the pretence of adulthood -- they are the ones that I trust with that little girl self. They are the ones that I look to for guidance. They are the ones who can hurt me the most easily. All they have to do is ignore me.
I'm not always sure how or when to ask for help. When it's ok to ask for the attention I crave. How to present that I need compliments, reassurance, praise. I'm just little. I'm still learning. I need help with these things.